“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  Corinthians 13 

Corinthians 13: 4-7 is far more than a beautiful verse to be read during a wedding ceremony.  In this verse, love is defined for us in terms of what love is and what love is not, what love does and what love does not do.  What a difference it would make in our world if each of us made it our practice to apply this verse to every aspect of each day and especially in our relationships with others. 

Unconditional love is clearly defined for us in these well-known verses, yet too many times, we see people who claim to have a faith based view on life, behaving towards others in ways that are more similar to hate than love.  No one is perfect, so chances are you have fallen short in this area just as I have. I am guilty of sometimes behaving in a less than loving or patient way.  I have also been the target of another person’s anger or resentment.  Neither of these experiences brought me much peace or joy.  Love was certainly nowhere to be found in those situations.  What was present was an unwillingness to forgive. 

What do you do when you feel hurt by a friend or family member’s words or actions?  Do you recall all the things they have done that are good and react in a loving way, by extending kindness and patience?  My guess is that for most of us, responding in a loving way is the furthest thing from our minds.  We are far more likely to sulk or lash out with sarcasm and anger.  Often, we recall past situations where the same person did or said something similar to us.  When we do these things, we add fuel to our anger or hurt feelings and we distance ourselves from love. 

Revenge and retaliation become the dominant thoughts.  We can’t get to our mobile phone to call or send a text message fast enough.  We’re determined to rally support from our friends or other family members.  In short order, we have our “troops” gathered and our virtual heavy artillery aimed at the offending person or persons.  We are ready to obliterate them from the face of the earth or at least make them suffer for their actions.   

Guess what?  The other person is probably going to react with sarcasm, anger or silence too.  They might rally people around them who see things their way and of course, they will find them.  Each side will dig in their heels and stand their ground.  If this happens, it’s unlikely that either person will grasp the opportunity they have been given to develop a greater understanding of the other person, themselves and maybe get a glimpse of the true meaning of love.

Why do we react that way?  What is really driving our response?  It’s because underneath it all, when we refuse to forgive and let go of our reaction to the other person, we are acting out of fear.  Fear that we are not loved, fear that we’ll be seen as weak, fear that they will “win”, fear that we’ll be abandoned, fear that we are not good enough, fear we’ll be taken advantage of, or simply fear of being hurt.  So, we lash out and hurt them or push them away before they can hurt us. 

A Course In Miracles tells us that only love is real and that fear is what exists when there is an absence of love.  When we are fearful, love is absent. 

Next time, before you react to another’s seemingly bad behavior, remind yourself that every action is either done to extend love or is a call for love.  Ask yourself, in this situation, “Is this person extending love or asking for love?” 

When someone we care about does or says something hurtful to us, he may in fact be seeking love.   He may simply be going about it in a clumsy or strange way.  If you set aside your own beliefs (fears) about the incident, take a step back and look at the other person’s actions through the eyes of love with a sincere intention to understand the other person, you just might hear their call for help.  If you could hear that call for help/love, would that change your response to the comment or behavior?  Are you going to punish or inflict further pain on someone who is already suffering or are you going to offer compassion and forgiveness? 

When we extend forgiveness to another, we are not condoning bad behavior or letting them off the hook.   We are letting go of our need to control the other person and we are releasing ourselves from carrying the burden of anger or resentment.   We are choosing to see past whatever they did that upset us, so we can see the core goodness in that person.  We are removing the self-imposed blinders of our ego.  We are acknowledging to the other person that we know the offending behavior was out of the ordinary for them and that it is not the way they usually “show up” when they are interacting with us.   

This does not mean that we must tolerate on-going bad behavior from others. There have been people in my life, who have shown me again and again that they choose not to exercise control over their emotions.  Their “go to” method for dealing with difficult situations is to blame and strike out at others.  These are the people that I have forgiven and released to walk their own paths.  I wish them well and I remember them in my prayers.  However, I either have no contact with them at all, or when avoiding them completely is not possible, I limit my contact and keep conversation to casual topics. 

It does not require any effort to love people who are like us or do things the way we want them to do things.  When we are challenged by another’s behavior or differences, it is an opportunity for us to open our hearts and minds just a little more.  This is where real world change will take place, at the individual level, one person at a time. 

Acceptance

by Linda Thurwanger

When things don’t go your way

When doors are closed

It could be God’s protection

Or a lesson for your highest good

Sometimes the answer is No

You may not understand in the moment

But if you take a step back and a deep breath

You just might see Heaven’s gift

Inside yourself, you will find

The gift being given if you try

Let go of the outcome you desired

Open your heart to what is being offered

It is my belief that it is not always necessary to know why we behave the way we do or why we make choices we make in life, in order to free ourselves from self-sabotaging behavior.  Sometimes, maybe even most of the time, simply recognizing that what we are doing does not feel good to us and discovering new ways to process what is going on around us is enough to restore a sense of well-being to our lives.

For example if we touch a red-hot burner on a stove, we don’t need to understand the scientific reasons why it causes us pain.  Most of us “get it” that putting our hand on a hot stove does not feel good, so we don’t do it again.  On the other hand (no pun intended), if someone deliberately puts her hand on hot  burners over and over again and then complains about the pain it causes her, that person could benefit from talking with a good psychotherapist. 

Recently, I heard Dr. Robert Holden say that most people don’t need therapy, what they need is clarity.  I think that is a perfect description of  the underlying basis of good coaching.  When we are able to see how we set ourselves up to be unhappy and discontented it is a more efficient way to bring ourselves back into a state of well-being than understanding why we set ourselves up. 

Most of us have heard the statements “When you change your thoughts, you change your life.” or “As a man thinketh, so is he.” and many, many others.  What do those statements really mean and how can we put them to work for us?   Each of us  has a built in GPS that lets us know when our thoughts are off-track.  That GPS is our emotions/feelings.  When we are feeling sad, victimized, angry, resentful, jealous or anything other than feelings of contentment or peace within ourselves, we can be assured that our thoughts are the underlying cause for the discord.  It is up to us to examine those thoughts and determine if they are based on reality, a learned belief or just a thought we made up.

Stuff happens in life.  If we live long enough, each and every one of us will experience times of loss, pain and unhappiness.  In fact, we need the contrast in our lives.  Up cannot exist without down, there is no light without dark or positive without negative.  The goal is not to try to eliminate the so called negative thoughts or to replace them with positive thoughts, the goal is to become conscious of when our thoughts are not leading us to our highest good.  When we are conscious of our self-defeating thoughts, we can move past them more quickly.  When we are conscious of our thoughts, we can make a choice to follow those thoughts down a dark and winding trail or we can realize that it is just a thought and it has no power over us if we do not give it power over us.

For example, if we are blind-sided by our spouse’s decision to file for divorce, we could easily have the thought that we are “being tossed aside like yesterday’s trash”.  If we allow that thought to take up residence in our mind and if we ”buy into” the thought that we are in fact ”trash and not good enough for him”  it leads us down a path of feeling unworthy.   If we are unconscious and do not recognize that this is a self-sabotaging thought that is not in our highest good, it may take a long time to recover our balance.   If however, we can become conscious of the thought as soon as we start feeling bad, we can see that the thought “I am yesterday’s trash” is just a thought that we made up.   It becomes clear that the thought is not a reality, so the thought becomes powerless and we can move past it into a state of well-being more quickly. 

It doesn’t require years of therapy, to move from feeling bad to feeling better, just a willingness to stop believing everything we think is the truth.

Recently, I surveyed women to learn what they really think about their own beauty.  I wanted to know how they felt about their own inner and outer beauty as well as what they admire in other women.

Interestingly, although 71% of the women surveyed considered themselves to be beautiful on the inside, only 14% considered themselves to be beautiful on the outside.  Some of the reasons given for not feeling beautiful on the outside had to do with being overweight or out of shape and they criticized other physical aspects of themselves as well.

When asked to describe a woman who they considered to be beautiful on the inside and/or the outside and describe characteristics of that woman they would like to possess, not a single physical characteristic was sited.  In 100% of the responses, the characteristics of women they admired had to do with behavior or character strengths. 

 Some of the answers are listed below: 

• Smiles, even when things are tough
• Positive outlook
• Kind to others
• A good listener
• Gives honest feedback
• Strong and confident, yet self-less
• Nurturing
• Funny
• Always there when others need her
• Direct
• Says “no” when she means “no”
• Her laugh
• Her sense of fairness
• Humility
• She makes each person feel they are important

Some of the women who responded to the survey mentioned that they are aware that their inner beauty comes through in their outward appearance to others.  Yet when offered a “magic wand” to change something about themselves, the majority chose physical characteristics.

It seems that what we appreciate most in other women has to do with how they “are” in the world versus how they look.   When it comes to evaluating ourselves however, we take a much more physical and critical approach. 

 Women and girls berate themselves for having a belly that is not flat or a bust line that is. We ignore what is great about ourselves and lament about what we imagine we are lacking. It’s not uncommon to hear a woman say, “When I lose these 10 lbs, then I’ll be happy.”  Or, “When I can fit in a pair of size 2 jeans, then I’ll be happy.”  Or, “I’ll get a face lift, breast implants, a tummy tuck and liposuction and then I’ll be perfect!” 

 Why are we so critical of ourselves?  What do we gain by forcing our bodies to conform to unnatural ideals?  Did you know that the average super model makes up only 4% of the female population and is 5’10” tall and weighs 110 lbs?  The other 96% of the female population averages 5’4” tall and weighs 142 lbs.  We can’t stop the media from bombarding us with messages that we are only as good as we look, but we can stop believing these messages. 

Women are intelligent, insightful and influential in business and in communities.  We have an inborn ability to be compassionate, gentle and loving.  We know what is truly important in life, but we have been criticizing ourselves for so long; it has become second nature to put ourselves down.  If what we admire in other women is qualities like confidence, honesty, kindness, inner strength, intelligence and the willingness to serve others, why are we so hung up on our own appearance?  What would happen if we turned our attention to what is beautiful and incredible about us instead of filling our minds with thoughts about what is “wrong” with our bodies? 

Our negative thoughts about ourselves are all learned beliefs.  We were not born into this world worried about how we looked or what we weighed.  We came into this world as pure love and beauty, and we expected to be loved just as we were.  Somewhere along the way, we were taught that we were not lovable unless we conformed to a certain standard.  We began to compare ourselves to others and find things about ourselves that did not measure up.  Sadly, some of us never stopped. 

It’s time to stop comparing ourselves to others.   Each of us has a natural body weight that is healthy for our particular body; we have our own eye color, hair color, skin color, etc…  No two snowflakes are alike, no two stars and no two grains of sand are exactly alike.  What makes us beautiful is our uniqueness, the fact that we do not look like anyone else on the planet.

We are the spirit within our body, we are not our body.  Our spirit has been with us in many different bodies, as a tiny infant, a toddler, a child, an adolescent, etc…  Our bodies are constantly changing, old cells die and new cells are born every second.  There is wisdom in striving to keep our bodies healthy because our bodies house our spirit, but an obsession with physical beauty is destructive.  We can’t stop the aging process, but we can change the way we think about our bodies. 

When we feel good about ourselves and treat ourselves with the same love and compassion that we would extend to a close friend, we will naturally gravitate towards self-care which will result in a healthy body and mind.  When we stop criticizing ourselves and learn to love and appreciate the beauty that is within us, we will create more joy in our lives and that will translate into outer beauty.    

Today, I would like to challenge you to participate in a 30 day transformation exercise.  The first part of the exercise is to look in the mirror and write down 10 beautiful parts of your body.  It can be as simple as “I have beautiful eyebrows”.  Then write down 10 beautiful and unique things about you as a person, such as “I am compassionate”.   Keep this list with you wherever you go.  You might consider writing each beautiful thought on a sticky note or index card and posting them throughout your home, office or in your car.  The point is to put them where you will see them several times each day.  

Here’s the final part of the challenge – Each day for at least 30 days, become aware of the thoughts that slip into your mind and tell you that you are not good enough.  You won’t be able to catch all of the thoughts, but when you do notice one, stop yourself and replace it with one of your 20 beautiful thoughts about yourself.  By the end of the 30 days, I believe you will notice a reduced number of self-critical thoughts and you will feel happier and more content with yourself.  This challenge will not work for everyone, but if it works well for you, don’t stop at 30 days. Actually, don’t stop with 20 beautiful thoughts about yourself…write down 100! 

If you decide to take the 30 day challenge, I would love to hear how it impacts your life.  Please send an email to me at Linda@Yourempoweredself.com

What is an architect? According to Wikipedia an architect is a person trained in the planning, design and oversight of the construction of buildings.   The word is derived from the Greek word arkhitekton (chief builder).  Of course, if you saw the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, you know that all words are derived from Greek words.

In my younger adult years, I definitely was not the architect of my own life.  I drifted where life took me and I made choices that I would not make today.  Most of my decisions were based on what would bring me the most pleasure or be the least challenging.  I did not create a blueprint to help me make choices that would ultimately lead me to a desired outcome because I did not have a goal in mind.  Needless to say, I made a lot of mistakes.  I used to regret those past mistakes and wish I could have a “do over”. 

However, I have come to realize that it was through my “mistakes”  that I learned my greatest lessons.  Those lessons blessed me with knowledge that no classroom could have provided.  Today, I know it is a waste of time to regret the very experiences that enriched my life in so many ways especially when there is absolutely nothing I can do about them now.  Instead, I have learned to be grateful for those lessons and to appreciate the experiences. 

One of those lessons was that having a blueprint to follow increases the likelihood of achieving the desired results with the least amount of discomfort and frustration.  To live consciously is one of the most important requirements to becoming the architect of your life.  To be the architect of your own life requires self-knowledge, love and compassion toward self and others; a vision of what you would like to achieve and a belief that what you desire can be achieved. 

Even when you have all of these elements, the road to your desired goal will not be devoid of challenges and the occasional need to modify your original blueprint.  On the other hand, if you have no blueprint at all, you are likely to end up in a situation you never wanted.  This is true whether you are building a life, a career, a relationship, financial security, good health or whatever your goal may be.  A blueprint, like a flashlight in the dark, will be your greatest asset. 

Having an end result in mind creates the impetus that the mind, body and spirit need to move steadily toward that vision.  I recommend that you enlist the help of a close friend by sharing your vision or goal and asking them to gently and supportively keep you accountable to take the steps you need to take to achieve success.

As a Life Coach, I help individuals create the blueprint for their own lives.  Together we devise action steps.  As their accountability partner, I encourage my clients through email, phone and in-person discussions and I help them achieve the results they desire.

Who in your life, needs to be changed?  Your mom, your dad, spouse, sibling, boss or co-worker?  It doesn’t matter, this process is guaranteed* to work on almost everyone!    Is your mom too controlling or your dad too distant?   Does your sibling or co-worker whine too much?  Is your spouse too messy?  Now, there’s hope! 

Before we go any further, I would like to make one or two disclaimers here.   Most likely this process will not work on sexual predators, bank robbers or murderers, but I am going to guess that my audience,  in general, does not associate with these.  Also the process will not work on people who suffer from any type of severe psychological disorder or on anyone who is addicted to drugs, alcohol or anything else.   If you are in a work or personal relationship with someone who is addicted or depressed, encourage them to seek professional counseling.  Then, seek out a good counselor or coach for yourself to help you establish healthy boundaries with this person. 

The first thing you will need to do is determine who will be your first subject/target for this project.  It is likely there is more than one person you want to change, and while you could attempt to change all of them at the same time.  I suggest you work on changing one person at a time.

Once you have chosen your subject, you will be ready to begin.  Follow each step to the letter,  no matter how uncomfortable it may feel to you.  The best results are achieved when this process is practiced for a minimum of 30 days.

• Make a list of all the things that infuriate, bug and irritate you about this person.  Don’t hold back, let all your thoughts flow on the paper.  Make the list as long and as detailed as you like.  Count the number of grievances you have against this person.  File this list away in a file cabinet or other storage place. 
• This step is critical in the changing someone else process.  On a second sheet of paper, using the total number of grievances you outlined on the previous list, make a list of the aspects of that person that you see as positive.  For example, if you listed 20 things about the other person that you do not like, then you will need to list at least 20 things about this person that you do like.  Need some help?  At what tasks are they skilled or what aspects of this person are tolerable to you on a “good” day?   Even if the only attributes you can think of are things like they dress neatly,  have clean fingernails or you notice they keep their desk tidy.    I promise, if you set your personal opinion of the person aside, you’ll be able to find their good/acceptable qualities.  Everyone has some good qualities.  Keep this list in a place where you can easily access it whenever you have the opportunity to be around your subject.   
•  Each time you are in a position to interact with this person, remember your list of positive thoughts about him or her.  When you witness your subject demonstrating one of these positive aspects of himself, put a check mark next to it on your list.  Oh, and if you notice something else about this person that is a positive quality, add it to your list.
•  When he or she acts in a way that makes you grit your teeth,  clench your fists and begin to get that desire again to strangle them, walk away.  Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water.  Whatever you have to do to physically remove yourself from the situation, do it.  (Of course, if what they are doing will cause someone else to be maimed or killed, you must intervene. Otherwise, let it go and let things take their natural course.)
•  This step is the most difficult part of this process and it takes humility, courage and a willingness to have a better realtionship with the people you share your life with.   This step requires you to make at least one authentic, kind and uplifting comment to your target person each day that you are with them.  You must do this at least 30 times.  Refer to the second list you created for ideas to support you in coming up with authentic words of appreciation.

After a 30 – 60 days period, you will be amazed to find that your subject/target has completely changed!  No longer will you be stressed out or angry around this person.  You might even discover that you can’t recall what they used to do that drove you so crazy.   You’ll notice all kinds of health benefits too from the reduced stress in your life.  It’s almost magical! 

Wow!  Why does this work so well?  How is it possible?  It’s possible, because we get what we look for in others, in circumstances and in ourselves.  When we focus on what annoys us about another person or situation, that is all we notice.  We become jaded and discount or ignore all the good qualities of that person or circumstance.  Our judgemental thoughts come out in the way we relate to people and situations.  It comes across as disinterest, disgust, rudeness and insensitivity to the other person’s feelings or their circumstances.   I have found that people who focus intently on the short comings of others tend to be even more harsh with themselves.   Criticism of self and others does not lead to growth or self-confidence, but authentic appreciation and compassion for others definitely does lead to self-confidence and growth. 

By the way, if you do not see amazing results at the end of 60 days, you probably skipped a step or two or only made a half-hearted attempt.   Another 60 days or so of this process may be needed to get the results you would like to see.  

*Your Guarantee:  If you use the FREE process described above and do not see a significant change in the way you feel around your chosen subject in 60 days, please write to me for a full refund.

Do you pretend that your primary relationship is in good shape, but underneath it all, you know something isn’t quite right?   If you are less than happy in your marriage, do you skirt around the critical topics of conversation to maintain the status quo?  Are you building a house of cards on quicksand or a strong structure on solid ground?

What would happen if you openly discussed your thoughts and feelings with your significant other?   How do you benefit by avoiding the critical conversations?  Undoubtedly, there is a payoff for you if you are unhappy, but choose not take any steps to resolve the issues that contribute to that unhappiness. 

Are you afraid of losing financial support?  What stands in the way of you creating your own financial security?  In this case you stay in a relationship, even if you are unhappy, because the financial support means more to you than your own happiness.  One of the payoffs is you don’t have to risk putting yourself out there to look for a job or get a better job.  Meanwhile, you lose the growth you would gain as an individual that only comes from stretching yourself beyond your comfort zone.   Are you pretending not to know that you are capable of financially supporting yourself?

Maybe you are afraid you will never find anyone else who will love you. Are you settling for a mediocre relationship because it is familiar?  Dare to imagine what a great relationship would look and feel like to you.   When we let go of something that is just okay we open up space in our life for something great to come in.  This applies to relationships as well as other areas of life.

How is the communication between you and your partner?  Are you willing to step out of your usual way of relating to your partner and ask for and expect better communication?  Are both you and your mate willing to work together to create a better relationship?  Sometimes challenging relationships show up in our lives to teach us how to stay centered and calm in the midst of drama.  If you are the only one in the relationship who is willing to make positive changes, you can still experience personal growth.  Ask yourself what might you learn about yourself if you stay in the marriage for now?  What are you pretending not to know in this situation?

Are concerned about what others will think?  Are you willing to sacrifice your peace of mind, your health and your joy because others may not understand or approve of your choices?   It’s important to ask yourself why someone else’s opinion is more important to you than your own.     Are you pretending you don’t know what you need to do to take care of yourself?  Are you pretending to be a victim when in reality you are a willing participant in your own unhappiness? 

Do you stay in an unsatisfying relationship out of obligation?  How would you feel if you knew someone was staying with you because they felt they had to, not because they wanted to be with you?  Is it really kind and loving to stay in a marriage or partnership because you are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings?  Or is it an act of love to set them free to find someone who will really love and cherish them?   How would you want to be treated?  Are you telling yourself that you stay because you don’t want to hurt someone else when the real truth is you want the other person to make the decision so you won’t feel guilty?

Are you indulging in magical thinking?  This is a belief that issues will somehow be resolved without any action being taken.   As time passes, the issue, like a wound that is not exposed to air and light so it can heal, festers and gets infected.  Stifled anger and frustrations manifest in moodiness, hurtful remarks and insensitive behavior.   If both parties in the relationship choose to continue to avoid having the critical conversations, needed to resolve the problem, irreparable damage may be done.  On the other hand, if the couple is able to discuss their feelings openly and honestly in a mutually respectful and kind manner, there is a greater chance for resolving the issue, promoting growth and strengthening the relationship.

When we stop pretending we do not know the truth, take steps toward better communication in all our relationships and become honest with ourselves, we begin to get unstuck.   When we open our minds and our hearts to the possibilities that are all around us instead of allowing fear to rule our actions, we lead happier and more fulfilling lives.

Do you hate your job?   Before you yell “man/woman overboard!” and jump off the starboard bow,  find out what you do and do not want in your next job.  It will save you time, stress and maybe even money to know where you want to go next.

Would you like to avoid ending up in another less than satisfying job?  Are you willing to answer some important questions?  If you are willing to take the challenge and be completely honest with yourself, grab a pen and some paper and read on.  You might discover ways to become less stressed at your current job while you look for a new job.

To get the most out of the exercise, write down your answers.

List 10 things that you like about your current  job.  The list can include things as simple as you really like the building you work in or you have a great office or enjoy talking with a particular co-worker.  List anything that gives you pleasure, no matter how insignificant it may seem.  It’s a good idea to post this list where you can see it every day and add to it as new thoughts surface.

Chances are you found a few things that you do like about your current job.  Does that mean you have to stay there?  No, of course not, but that list might help you recognize that it’s not all bad and that you may  tend to focus too intently on what you don’t like or what is not ideal.   We cannot control which thoughts come into our head.   Thoughts come to us at an incredible speed of approximately 240 thoughts per minute.  As much as we might like to control our thoughts, it’s simply not possible. However, we don’t have to let negative thoughts wreak havoc in our lives.  Whenever you notice a negative thought is creeping into your mind, do not give  it more than a passing acknowledgement.  When we allow ourselves to dwell on the unpleasant or scary thoughts that come up, we end up following a rabbit trail that leads us deeper and deeper into discontent and hopelessness. 

Over the next 2 weeks, be vigilant about the thoughts that come up with regard to your job, your workplace or your boss.   When something positive happens and you find yourself feeling good about something at work, you receive a compliment on a job well done or share a laugh with a co-worker spend some time exploring that positive thought and silently express gratitude for that moment.  By focusing your attention on what is good at work, you will find yourself becoming less stressed out and more in control.  

Are you giving 100% to all aspects of your current job?  If not, this is the perfect time to improve your skills,  give more attention to detail, improve follow through, boost creativity and step up your effort to be a contributing member of the team.  Why should you do this when all you want to do is get out?   If you pay more attention to your own performance and less attention to your boss or co-worker’s performance, you will find the tension at work relaxing.   Another bonus is you’ll  feel good about yourself.  That confidence and pride will shine through in future interviews. 

Now, let’s talk about the job you really want!  Your search will be much more effective when you approach it with a relaxed mind and when you identify your perfect job.  So let’s identify that dream job!

Imagine your ideal job.  Spend some time on this step.  What would you be doing?  Be as descriptive as possible.  Describe where you would work, the type of building, your work space, what kind of work you would be doing and what kind of people you would be working with.  Include as much detail as you can. 

Are there tasks or skills from your current job that could be part of your ideal job?  If so, list those skills, tasks, etc…   

Are there skills, education, training or certification that you need to acquire to perform your ideal job?   If the answer to this question is “Yes”, what is the first step you can take toward getting the training you need?  (It could be finding classes in your area at times you can attend and calling to get more information.)   Are you willing to commit to making that first step in the next 3 days?   If so, do it and notice how that one small step makes a difference in the way you feel.

After you have identified your dream job you will be less likely to waste time applying for positions that do not meet your criteria.  When you already have a full-time  job, looking for a new job can be more challenging, but it’s certainly not impossible.  The upside is you are not desperate and can be much more selective.  When we have a clear picture of what we want, we are less likely to get distracted and settle for less than the best.

So there you are settled comfortably in your work routine and along comes the inevitable winds of change.  Your current manager leaves the company or gets promoted and suddenly a new sheriff is coming to town.   We all know that any time there is a personnel change within a company, the entire system and everyone in it is going to be affected.   There are steps that both the new manager and the employees can take and thought processes that can be adopted to make the transition a positive one.  Having been both an employee and a new manager I would like to share what I have learned. 

The incoming manager is likely to be just as apprehensive about taking over a new department as the employees are about getting a new manager.  If the new manager has been promoted from within the company there may be resentment and jealousy within the department that will have to be resolved.  The new manager may now be managing someone with whom they are friends.  Being accused of favoritism toward an employee may be a concern.  If the new manager is an outside hire, then he or she could be uneasy about working for a new company where they may not know anyone and are not entirely sure of what lies ahead for them.

From the employee’s standpoint, they have become accustomed to the way the departing manager operated.  The employees and the manager found ways of functioning together that worked well for everyone.  The employees may not have always agreed with their manager, but at least they knew what to expect.  They may be concerned that the new boss will change procedures and they will have to learn new procedures that may not work as well.   They may be worried about the management style of the new boss and how they will all get along together.

Now, let’s take a step back and look at this from a little higher vantage point.   The new manager and the employees have a few important things in common…  They are all human.  No one is perfect.  This situation is equally stressful for the employees and the incoming manager. 

A new manager would be wise to begin their new position by taking time to learn everything they can about the current procedures and how the department interacts with other departments.  I also recommend that they interview each employee they will be managing.  Get to know them and find out what they like and don’t like about the way things have been done in the past.   Be aware of the employees’ need to be respected and valued.  They are apprehensive about you and the changes you might make.  If not under pressure from upper management to do so, don’t make any changes for at least 30 – 60 days.  Making changes too quickly can be counter-productive.  If you were promoted from within the company and there are jealousy or resentment issues among those who now report to you, it is best to address those issues immediately so they do not become exacerbated and cause problems within the department.  

As employees, it is easy to get seduced by the “story” of a new manger coming  in and turning the whole department upside down.  Thoughts of that nature lead to feelings of being victims with no control over the outcome.  In most situations, it is the way we choose to think about something that creates the outcome.   Think of your new boss as an opportunity for positive change and brush away thoughts of negativity on the subject.   Ask your co-workers to work together to make the new manager feel welcome.  I encourage you to remember that the new manager is a human being just like you.  Even if they don’t show it, he or she may be feeling out of place, uncomfortable and a little unsure of themselves.   Treat them with kindness and respect.  If the new manager is an outside hire, offer to give him or her a tour of the building.    As a group, ask the new manager to meet with you and tell you his or her objectives for the department.  Find out what is important to him or her and make sure that gets done.   As an employee, one goal is to help make the manager’s job easier by doing what is supposed to be done when and how it needs to be done.   Keep in mind that when an employee makes a mistake, the manager is the one on the front line with upper management.     Maintain your integrity at all times.  Do not become a “yes” man or woman, just be honest and supportive of your manager.  Help your manager to achieve his or her goals and you will have a strong advocate when it comes time for a salary increase or promotion.

In closing I will add that there is one thing we can all count on… nothing will ever stay the same.  Every cell in our body, every molecule in the universe is in a constant flux.   If we try to stand still, we are likely to get left behind.  So welcome change, embrace it and find out what it is here to teach you. 

Recommended Reading:   Who Moved My Cheese?  by Dr. Spencer Johnson

This week, I overheard someone say, “I’m great!  It’s Wednesday!  I’m half-way through the week!”   It’s a common phrase, that we have all used.   It’s tied in popularity and overuse with ”Thank God it’s Friday!”.

The comment made me think about how many people are “working for the weekend”.  It doesn’t matter if the weekend is the traditional Saturday and Sunday or if the weekend is Monday and Tuesday or any other combination of days.    It’s far too common to hear how unsatisfied and unhappy people are at work.   How many people do you know who watch the clock, “serving their time”, waiting for the “freedom” that comes with 5 o’clock? 

Intellectually, we know that life is a precious gift, yet most of us rush through our lives barely conscious of how we are spending that time.  A majority of our time is spent working in some capacity whether it is taking care of our family or working outside the home.   If we are spending most of our waking hours in a state of unhappiness, frustration or anxiousness, these stressors are putting our health at risk.  Health issues such as headaches, insomnia, backaches, heart disease, cancer, fibromyalgia, ulcers and irritable bowel syndrome have been directly linked to stress. 

Dissatisfaction generally starts when we put ourselves in the role of victim and look outside ourselves for the answers.  If you dread going to work each day, maybe you have forgotten that where you work or the type of work you do, is your choice.  Yes, of course, most of us need to work to pay our rent or mortgage and other necessities, but in many cases, we could choose to simplify our lives by  living in a less expensive place, cutting out cable television or driving a more modest vehicle.  We could choose to stay where we are employed now or choose to look for another place to work.  

We can choose to focus on the things about our current employment that are frustrating and unpleasant or we can choose to focus on the things that we do enjoy there.  For example, maybe you like your office or enjoy the beautiful building where you work.  Do you feel fulfilled listening to and being supportive of a co-worker who is facing some difficulty or do you have fun at work chatting with co-workers?  If your commute to work is long, it can be stressful if you concentrate on how long it is taking to get to the office or home again or you can use that time to quiet your mind with silence or listen to relaxing music or an audio book. 

Sometimes, we end up working where we are because we did not have a plan or vision for ourselves and we just drifted into our current career.  If that is the case for you, writing down your thoughts could help you find your true passion or calling.  Start by imagining and writing down what you see yourself doing if you could do any type of work.  Do not get stuck on facts such as not having a particular degree or training, let your imagination guide you.  

Some of us are interested in several different types of careers.  We can become immobilized by too many choices.  If this is you, list all your choices, then go back over your list to discover if there are any similarities between the different careers.   Maybe all the careers help other people, or involve creativity or good listening skills.  As you read over your list of possible career choices, which ones cause you to feel excited and hopeful?    Can you combine any of these career choices into one career or can you create a portfolio of careers?  There is no rule that states we must have only one career at a time.   Write a short paragraph about your ideal job, be as descriptive as possible and make sure you include the amount of money you will be earning.  Post this where you can see it every day.

Now that you have a clear picture of your ideal work, you can begin to explore the options for getting yourself there.  Does it require more education or training?  This is where you mind may start telling you that you can’t afford or don’t have time to go to school.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to shut that voice down immediately.  Instead, adopt a belief that you can and will find a way to get the training you need.   There are scholarships, government loans, on-line education and unlimited ways to earn the funding or find the time to get an education if it is truly important to you.  You will be amazed at the doors that will open up for you when you have a clear vision. 

Meanwhile, remind yourself daily that there are things about your current circumstances that are good, be grateful for those aspects, concentrate on them.   If you cannot leave your current employer, what can you learn while you are still there?   Perhaps there is a person or a situation there that frustrates you.  That situation or person might exist to teach you to be patient, tolerant, to set boundaries or to stand up for yourself.  Use the challenges to further your own growth

Create work for yourself that is enjoyable and fulfilling and you will rarely feel the need to say “I’m great, it’s Wednesday and I’m halfway through the week!”